SHAME
Why does shame ‘stick like glue’ for decades after the trauma?
•Shame is a survival response, as crucial for safety as the animal defences of fight, flight, and freeze
•Shame is a powerful body response, and it results in negative meaning-making that creates ‘vicious circles’ of shame
•Whereas fear focuses on the source of threat, shame feels personal: it’s about “me”
•Shame is constantly reinforced by other trauma related schemas, such as “It’s not safe to succeed—to be self-assertive—to have needs—to be happy”
Self-hatred as a protective device
•Self-blame serves the purpose of putting the brakes on behaviour that will be punished by others. In self-blame, we yell at ourselves, inducing shame. We warn ourselves never to do that again; we silence ourselves; we withdraw.
•The key here is that shame is active and protective. Self-hatred is a small price to pay for greater safety.
•But once self-blaming beliefs are procedurally-learned and encoded in the body and mind, they feel “true.”
•Patterns of self-blame continue to exert an influence on self-esteem and healthy self-assertion long after their usefulness is over
Shame as a source of safety
•In abusive and neglectful environments, shame helps to drive the animal defence of submission: shame responses cause us to avert our gaze, bow our heads, and collapse the spine. Among animals, this is an appeasement signal. For humans, it’s a signal to be “seen but not heard”
•In environments in which self-assertion is unsafe, shame enables children to become precociously compliant and preoccupied with avoiding “being bad”
•This shame-related avoidance of potentially punishable behaviour and procedurally learned submissiveness is adaptive in abusive environments
Shame is not just an emotional response—it is a body response
•If the shame is reinforced or exacerbated by body experiences of collapse, loss of energy, feelings of revulsion, curling up or turning away, then shame can be mitigated by changing body posture
•Lengthening the spine and grounding through the feet both challenge shame. If the client’s head is bowed or averted, bringing the head up or asking the client to begin to slowly turn the head and lift the chin can begin to increase feelings of confidence and fearlessness. If these movements are triggering, they can be executed piece by piece over time
•Identification with the shame was necessary for survival, especially as young children. If you believe you are bad and worthless, it is easier to submit or comply. You are not threatening to people who can do you harm
•We have to understand shame as a survival response, not just a negative emotion caused by victimization
•We have to understand the participation of the body in driving shame responses, as well as the influence of the negative shame-based beliefs or inner critics
•We have to understand how threatening it can be to “give up” the shame. We have to be able to validate how dangerous it was to feel good in their worlds
•Often the most effective route to feeling more positive for trauma survivors is the validation of negative feelings and beliefs.
“[When] a relationship of dominance and subordination has been established, feelings of humiliation, degradation and shame are central to the victim’s experience. Shame, like anxiety, functions as a signal of danger, in this case interpersonal or social danger.”
“Like anxiety, [shame] is an intense overwhelming affect associated with autonomic nervous system activation, inability to think clearly, and desire to hide or flee.”- Judith Herman, 2006
“Shame signals (e.g., head down, gaze avoidance, and hiding) are generally registered as submissive and [appeasing], designed to de-escalate and/or escape from conflicts. Thus, insofar as shame is related to submissiveness and appeasement behaviour, it is a damage limitation strategy, adopted when continuing in a shameless, non-submissive way might provoke very serious attacks or rejections.” Gilbert and Andrews, 1998
“[Shame] perhaps more than any other emotion is intimately tied to the physiological expression of the stress response. . . . This underscores . . .the function of shame as an arousal blocker. Shame reduces self-exposure or self-exploration.” Schore, 2003
